Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
