Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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