i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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