life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
