I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
