literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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