I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
