I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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