I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
