They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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