There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
