I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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