he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
