well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
