good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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