if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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