he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
