did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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