Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Randomize
