If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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