Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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