I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
