i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
