I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
