Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
3pm strippers are depressing
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
