Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
