I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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