I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just threw up on my dentist
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
