its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
