So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
