pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
