just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
