Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
