it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
