i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
