i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
