You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
