Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
