So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
