Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
