I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
