Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
