grandma shit on top of the toilet
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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