He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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