I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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