Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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