Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
