when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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