so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
