today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
