A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
