Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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