you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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